Life is full of surprises and hardships that no one ever expects to face. The day I found out I was positive became the hardest I’ve faced to date. I’ve dealt with losing family members, both biological and chosen, the loss of pets, and friends. All of those were easier to deal with than the news of hearing that I have a lifelong illness that resulted from ignoring advice from medical professionals.
Honestly, I don’t have a clear picture of when I contracted HIV. I have a few ideas, but there was a lot of unsafe sex at that point in my life. I was trying to fill a void left from two emotionally and mentally abusive relationships, and sex was my poor coping skill. In some regards, it could have been viewed as a delayed version of suicide, but at the same time, I wanted to feel wanted, to feel a glimmer of love, and to know that I wasn’t as bad as both of my boyfriends made me feel.
Oddly enough, the guy I think I caught HIV from was one of the few people who did care about me. He was seeing a guy who moved in with him who didn’t inform him that he was HIV positive. They were together for months before my friend found out and that was because his test results came back showing that he was positive. I wasn’t contacted but figured this out when we were both discussing weird life events and such. We both knew that we should have been more careful, but at the same time, it happened and now we’re dealing with life as it comes our way.
My new life is complete with employment discrimination, wondering who I can trust with my secret, guarded medical visits outside of my primary doc, and general discrimination from my brothers in the G of the LGBT. It’s also regular visits to my doctor, daily pills, worrying about what I eat and drink, and varying degrees of reactions to medications and avoiding certain groups of people because I can pick up what they carry easier than others (those vaccines aren’t just to protect the people who get them). I’ll relate more as the blog goes on since I’m going to discuss aspects of my experience as a patient and working in the medical/social work field, but this is one of the hardest aspects of my life to relate to anyone. I haven’t added my real name because people can and do use HIV status against us, still. The master calls and I have more work to do with the grounds and such.