I feel like I need one of those Food Network (Ted Allen) celebrities to say, Karen here has burning with urination, you have 15 minutes, time starts, NOW!

Why 15 minutes? Well, that is what our insurance overlords typically pay for us to see anyone. Now you and I know that we take more time than that, but yes, your insurance company expects me to work you up in 15 minutes. That is why we seem like a flurry of activity, and honestly seem indifferent, because the clinic wants us to make money as well. We look as hurried as those chefs on those shows do, only less chopping, sometimes, and more behind-the-scenes swearing. We must turn out a quality product every time, and we don’t get retakes. No half-assed “you’ve been chopped” quality. So, we need you to be ready when you come in. We love it when you have the ingredients of a good visit. Knowing your symptoms, your current medications, and what change that have occurred since the last time. Even as much as I hate it, it is ok to look up your symptoms. What you need to realize is that a search can lead you from gas all the way to cancer. That is why you come in after all. We have been down this road before and beaten this dead horse to powder, and still want to keep beating it. I am always happy to share the sites that I think have the most accurate information, should you be into that. Just don’t be a slave to a diagnosis or tailor your symptoms to what you think it might be according to your search. Remember, the dead horse I have been beating, that is now powder, let’s look at symptoms together and then I will diagnose. Your insurance also hates unnecessary tests and procedures.

While we are at it, let’s talk about the (necessary) evil that is insurance. Just because we think it might be something, we must start with the simple, as we all would rather do. Just because you think you need an MRI, does not mean you need it or I that I will just order one to be completed. If I can identify the problem with a quick test in the office, why waste money on procedure that starts at $500? Why waste your time too? Have you been in an MRI? It’s like a bad night at the disco that you can’t leave, or you have to start the whole night over.

Medications are expensive. You know that I try to give you the least expensive option because I know that you enjoy eating and having a place to live. Just because a commercial or internet ad tells you about some great new drug, doesn’t mean it will work amazingly better on your condition than the tried and true medication. The difference is the generic is usually less than a buck a pill, whereas, the new medication may add up to thousands of dollars for one month (if you are lucky). I am not “old school”. I would just like you to be able to afford to send your kids to school and not have to live on the streets.

Lastly for today, as I hear the quiet of my coffin and the dogs heading there…Weight Loss. Yes, Karen, we can all lose a few pounds. Some of us need to lose more than others, and even though we aren’t getting any younger, this doesn’t require us to hurry up and diet. Yes, there are all these great fad diets that claim to do amazing things regarding weight loss. The trick is you absolutely must stick to the regimen. Yeah, we have been down this road before, but it’s worth saying that it takes a bit to replace an old habit with a new one (just ask any nun that has tried…nun, habit…damn kids). The best diet is to use fresh ingredients and cook and eat at home, avoid processed foods, and avoid eating out. Portion control and reasonable exercise. Yep, that simple. Oh, and don’t forget plenty of water. And walk, uphill, in the snow both ways, like our parents and grandparents did.

Well, the snow is coming and down to the last seconds 5…4…3…2…1—Time’s up, please step back.