Gillette looked sharp this week by discussing toxic masculinity in an advertisement. Before I hear one comment about this not being a public health issue or something that we should be dealing with, I am going to flat out tell you that it is. Toxic masculinity can easily translate into sexual and domestic violence. This becomes a problem in the public health arena because we not only deal with the physical effects of violence; rape, broken bones, lacerations, and ligature injuries, but also with the mental health issues that can include post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, and even psychotic breaks. Toxic masculinity is an issue that we cannot afford to overlook. Those who complain about the ad can flush their Gillette razors down the drain like a bunch of toddlers or pretend their behavior, and that of other males and their sons is not a problem. Ignorance is bliss for those who don’t have to deal with the fall-out of their behavior because honestly, it doesn’t affect them in the same way that it does women and LGBTQ people.
Yeah, men are pissed about the #metoo movement because it called out unacceptable sexual behavior that men exhibit. Think Bill Cosby and the Quaalude pudding pop and anyone who’s had to deal with a casting couch. Stubby fingers pawing bras off as stale cigar smoke floats through the air amid the haze of cheap bourbon mixed with booze sweats. His halitosis closing in and…yeah…it’s that bad or worse.
But most of the claims in the #metoo movement were ignored because why believe anyone, specifically women? Some of the men, like Louis CK, have come out and tried to strike up the conversation that there was nothing wrong with this behavior. This comes from a man that locked the door and non-consensually masturbated in front of women. Ok, I live in a drafty castle with 3 hounds, bats in the belfry, and a day dweller and I am not sure that is even okay there. Bottom line is, stop being pissed and start making a change, men. The better “manly” man would do this for many reasons. This comes to us from an Article at Slate who I deeply thank for the points for my rant.
Strategy No. 1: Make your boys feel as comfortable as possible experiencing and discussing emotions. “Parents need to understand that what we might think of as a benign statement can set the stage for the legitimization of violence against girls and women—and it can start as simple as with, don’t be a pussy, or Don’t throw like a girl,” says Dorothy Espelage, a psychologist at the University of Florida. In addition to sending sexist messages, these kinds of insults prime boys to act out in ways that “prove” they are traditionally male.
How many men heard this growing up? “Stop crying, stop being such a pussy.” It immediately tells a kind and gentle boy that having any emotions at all makes him weak by equating those qualities to those of a woman. That then attributes those qualities as weak and makes him less like a man because he is exhibiting weak women-like behaviors. He stuffs his feelings down deep, like many men do, and learns never to show them in public or ever unless those emotions are related to anger, strength, and violence. Years later when people do see a man cry, he is embarrassed and often somewhat violently reactive to the fact that he showed that emotion. Dudes can and should cry, and trust me, it does not make penises shrink or sperm less capable of reproduction if men do that sort of thing.
Strategy No. 2: Teach your kids to set and respect physical boundaries. Let’s say Grandma arrives for a visit and you instruct your kids to give her a hug. Sounds innocent enough, but doing so teaches kids that it’s OK to force or be forced to embrace someone.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I have a very small number of people I allow in my intimate space. I am not a hugger unless we are close and then I am careful to ensure the other person wants that hug. People cannot or should not assume someone wants a hug. How many times have you heard a kid say I don’t like grandma to hug me, she smells funny and holds me too long. That is a boundary. Your child is uncomfortable. We all know grandma will turn into the wolf because she is “entitled” to that hug, but it teaches your child that others can dictate those boundaries. No still means no even if it is as innocent as grandma. I know that’s a tough example because I know some damn cool grandmas, but hey folks, let’s let others define their boundaries.
Strategy No. 3: Model respectful behavior and regularly engage with your kids about what that means. “Kids tend to notice what you do much more than what you say,” says Mark Van Ryzin, an educational psychologist at the University of Oregon
Oh, my dog, duh. People want kids, so please raise them to be respectful, and the best way is to model respectful behavior. Kids are a sponge, and they totally take cues from their parents about how to behave. That includes Karen and her, I-want-to-talk-to-the-manager haircut while she puts her hand on her hip to wait. Just think about that, we all know that mom, but what do we equate to dad behavior? Calling a boy on bad behavior is just as important. Look you don’t just get to have the fun of making them, you have to raise them when they come out.
If you have your kid with you and wolf whistle at women as you roll down the street, you are telling your kid that acting like that is acceptable. If you do that in front of your daughter, you tell her with your actions that she is valued less as a person. Why? Do you not love your little girl? Do you not want her to grow up feeling safe as a young woman? Do you want some boy to knock her off her bike and rape her behind a dumpster because no one taught him boundaries?
Instead, he was taught screwed up senses of privilege. Brock Turner is who I am alluding to here. You know what his dad begged for in court? That the judge goes easy on him because he has such a bright career as a swimmer ahead of him. Yeah, daddy said that. Daddy is just as guilty of that rape as Brock is because men sugarcoat each other’s behavior, more so when it’s career-related, and if they’re white. So, dad, you want to go to that trial when your daughter is raped and listen to that crap? Statistically, there is an 80% chance that women will be raped. Do you want your daughter to have to live like that? Do you want her walking to her car wondering when the man is going to jump out and beat her until she submits to him? For men, it’s about 30%. Why? Well, what I have been talking about?
I have been raped. I was raped in a combat zone by a soldier in my company as a means of dominance and humiliation. Rape is possible. Rape is ugly. So, before you throw another razor down the toilet, maybe you should listen to their message to be a better person. Is that too tough? If women are expected to be better and improve themselves all the time, shouldn’t men be able to do the same?