I wouldn’t recommend it.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone would. Everyone knows what PTSD is. It inundates the news, and honestly, not only does it get a little heavy on how overused it is, but how many people claim to have PTSD. It does not say that PTSD in a person does not exist, it just says that people who “think” they have it, probably don’t. As an example, when Nursie poo (who has PTSD), used to ride the train that also goes to the University, he was in a crowded car with Becky and her friend Barbie. Becky turns to Barbie and says, “I am not sure I can handle another test with my PTSD from the last one.” Oh My God Becky, look at the ass you just showed. I was riding with another veteran, and we exchanged the glance that said, “did you just say that shit?” Meanwhile, you are riding in a car with two people behind you that understand what PTSD is like and trust me Becky; a test ain’t likely to cause it.

The DSM 5 has criteria for PTSD, and you can find a simplified version here.

Suffice to say, there is a complex set of criteria that need to be met. Mainly, significant trauma and long-term symptoms. It is possible to have something called acute stress disorder, which while you may have some immediate issues, they resolve, and you can move on with minimal intrusion. Since I gave you the link, take a moment to look at this link for the criteria. I’ll sit here with my coffee and wait…

Oh good, you’re back, I get so lonely waiting sometimes.

As you can see, this list is very long and detailed. Folks with PTSD have far more than just one of these symptoms on a daily basis. They are very real and tough to endure day-to-day. Therapy and medications help. As an adult, those of us with PTSD need to learn our triggers, our responses, and personal management. It is far more than the stress from Becky’s test for sure.

It is tough to live with this day-to-day and the challenges that it places on the person with PTSD. While it is tough to explain, I am going to try my best and suggest you listen to my upcoming podcast when I speak with a couple of folks with PTSD as we talk about our common experiences. If you would like to submit questions for that interview, please send them through the Facebook page. www.Facebook.com/nurseferatuscastle

And back to PTSD from our shameless plug. So, the most common question is what is it like? There is trauma or a series of traumas, and in my case, it was two larger traumas and a set of small recurring traumas during the same time frame, which exacerbated each other. I have a lot of intrusive memories that I deal with, along with tons of hypervigilance (The Terminator movies describe this aspect well by the terminator views his surroundings by analyzes all of his threats, constantly.), enough self-doubt for everyone reading this blog, and pretty much every other symptom on that list. How do I survive? Well, I am not always sure that I am. I have to take one thing at a time and remember the management techniques from therapy. Yep, I have been through therapy. While my PTSD is not from some heroic, kick ass, made-for-TV movie kind of shit, it was bad. I had a run-of-the-mill job in the Army, and I think I did pretty damn well for myself as a non-badass.

A couple of things I want to talk about: I see a lot of things that have “trigger warning” on them. Okay, maybe that should be more correctly phrased as “something you might not want to read or see.” Because, except in very specific instances, do people understand the concept of being triggered. When I am triggered and unable to use any technique to abort the escalation, I literally dissociate from reality and either go back to a trauma setting in my mind, see another trauma setting, or almost have what could be described as an absence seizure where I stop speaking and shut down. Far worse than Becky’s pre-test stress I can tell you. If I know I am going to someplace (like Costco), I have my service dog with me. He is at least able to bring me back to reality or assisting me as he does with pressure therapy until I recover. For me, being triggered is usually a day ender. Thankfully, they don’t happen as often as they used to and I owe a lot of that to therapy, medications, and the dog.

The other thing I wanted to post here was something copied with permission from a vet with PTSD:

For those living with PTSD, it is a daily fight to not listen to the voices in your head. Not to believe it when they tell you that you’re worthless and weak, that your family would be better off without you.

Want some insight into what it’s like to live with PTSD? Here’s another glimpse…

“Being suicidal doesn’t necessarily mean you WANT to die. There’s a sort of relief in knowing that all the pain, the guilt, the SHAME you hold so deeply can go away. My failures and shortcomings can just be… gone and swept right under the rug. I won’t have to fail my family anymore. I won’t have to fail myself anymore. The nightmares and hyper-reactivity will stop. This is a very poignant article to me because it reminds me of myself every. Single. Day.

But what’s the point of this? Am I suicidal? Not exactly. Do I have lots of suicidal thoughts and ideations? Yep. Do I think every day that I’d rather be dead and my family would be better off without me? Absolutely. But I’m NOT going to do it. I know there are lots of people who will be hurt immensely if I did. I couldn’t do that to my babies. They don’t deserve that trauma. It might even ensure a 30-day vacation to the Nuthouse Deluxe Suites like Dear Ol’ Dad. I have a responsibility to my children. I have to teach (my son) how to be a good man. I have to give away my Wobby and my (daughter) some day. I have to give them unwavering LOVE.

Yes, I’m “suicidal.” But I want to live.”

Very, very too the point. It describes the inner turmoil quite nicely and less wordy than I get for sure. To answer your question, yes, I do think about it. I have been there, but this person is correct about my feelings as well.

PTSD has many sources, not just combat or military. I do not mean to demean anyone with non-combat PTSD because there is no difference.

Anyhow, I think I will get ready and get in the coffin and let Igor read this…The bats have decided not to go for warmer climates and stay for now because my internet is better.