We have been heavy here at the castle, and that is not just my weight. We have had a rough go for a few days with some heavy topics. While I will not stop with the heavy stuff, but I think we need a few days of palette cleansing to get us all back to a happier space, or at least have a shot of Haldol. Besides, Igor is clutching his pearls as he edits these (Mostly banging my head against the keyboard…).

By now, we all know how much I cringe when someone tells you they googled their symptoms (ha, Spell check recognizes “googled” as a legit word). So, in a quest for a laugh and some fun topics, here are some of the top 10 most embarrassing searches.

First one: Could my boyfriend have caught gonorrhea from a toilet seat? Short answer, no. Gonorrhea does not survive outside of the body, and neither do most sexually transmitted infections (STI’s). So, unfortunately, it leaves sex as the only way of transmission. Protection is the key. Use a barrier; meaning condom when penis or dildos are involved or a dental dam for cunnilingus. Make sure that the condom is properly worn when having sex and if you don’t know how to put it on properly, ask a medical professional. Don’t let a dude bullshit you either about condoms being too small or some crap like that because they are fairly durable and stretch. Plus, there are larger sizes, if they can actually fill them. Yeah, guys I know raw feels better, but if you are getting some strange or sketchy, you need to protect your dicky. Women, be prepared because men are pigs and will try to do all kinds of shit to avoid a condom.

If you know, they are actively infected, don’t do it. I wouldn’t have sex with someone who’s clapping even if they are hot as a firecracker. If you have had sex with someone who is infected, regardless of symptoms, get tested. It doesn’t go away.

Funny side bit here; In my microbiology class in college, we did swabs on all the surfaces in the men’s room. Cleanest of bacteria? Toilet seat. Worst? Door handle and flush handle.

Number 2.  How to treat gonorrhea? Tea tree oil. No, I am kidding. If it makes you feel better, you can take the bottle and look at it while you see a provider. Let me take this opportunity to plug your health department’s STI clinic or shock of shocks, Planned Parenthood. They test for a small fee and are confidential. Meaning it is not reported to insurance. Sometimes Insurance feels an STI is a sign of increased risk (Plus, not all providers follow proper protocol when treating STIs…).

Number 3. Will my birth control still work with this medication? Depends. Just so you know, most antibiotics interfere with birth control. Without getting a pharm lecture and delving into all kinds of interactions, let’s just say that these are questions you should talk to the provider about (Pharmacist can help, but the provider needs to rewrite the script). Fun fact, you should always reconcile your meds with your provider. Saves BS.

Number 4. Can I get HIV from kissing? No. Not at all. Wanna know something even better? You cannot get it through oral sex. Since 1980, with the first noted case, no one has contracted HIV orally. So, kiss and do all the fun oral stuff you like.

Number 5. Why does it burn while I pee? Here is a great google question. It can be many things. All the way from simple dehydration up to bladder or prostate cancer. Which is it? Simple answer, swing by your provider. Look, in full disclosure, I have had burning. I went to my provider, and she did some tests, and it was kidney stones (oh my dog those are the worst).

Funny story, my provider loves me because I am not afraid to tell her everything. I will tell you, I have heard it all. If you don’t believe me, put it in the comments or on the FB page. I dig it when I get the whole story because I can be honest with you.

Number 6. Can I get pregnant if I have sex while upside down? Yes, you can get preggers in any freaky position you want. It has more to do with the sperm traveling, and those little bastards will go for the prize. If you are trying to get pregnant, have some fun with sex. Enjoy it. If you succeed, it may be a few years until you get peace and quiet again.

Numba 7. Is this growth normal? No, you will die, eventually (we all do). Get it looked at and stop trying to guess from Google or Bing images. Derm always pisses me off because it can be so tough to get the hang of.

Number 8. Diaper rash with Depends. Yes, and it is just as common as with the kiddos. If you could only wash one area, the groin and backside should be where you go. Clean it and dry it well and apply a powder to help absorb moisture. Same thing that works on babies works on folks in Depends. Though, babies are sometimes more cooperative.

Numba 9. How to remove (random object) from (random body cavity). Oh my, what were you doing you dirty, naughty person you? If it is stuck, suck it up buttercup, and go have the ER look at it. At least you will provide them with interesting stories.

Weirdest things I have fished out? Fish tank bulb in the rectum. That required some very careful work and yeah, let’s just say it was interesting. A 12 inch “Black Mombo” dong from the rectum of a patient, who was also tweaking on methamphetamine at the time (yeah it was impressive and scary). The last one is scary and not sexual. I stabilized a man who had the bolt of a muzzleloader shoot back into his eye. He needed neurosurgery, and yes, he lived. Super nice man. Sat and talked to him for about 30 minutes. I was surprised at how calm he was. He was the kinda guy I went up in the nursing tower to see how he was recovering. To my surprise, I went to school with his nephew. Small world.

And number 10. What happens if you take too much Viagra? Well you get a boner you don’t want, and it won’t go away. You know how they tell you that if you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours? Well, that is called priapism, and it’s a sign that something ain’t working right. C’mon guys, we all know you are scared for your friend, so head to a provider immediately. If you don’t have it reduced, you can permanently damage the little buddy. Yes, they have had to amputate (no lie) if it goes too far. You can also get low blood pressure, chest pain, and some nausea. That’s all secondary to losing your wang.

This was as lighthearted as it was meant to be. Don’t be afraid to talk to your provider.

It is raining here, again. The bats hate the heavy winter rain because it makes their fur frizz and joints stiffen.