Someone emailed and asked me what a typical day in the clinic is like. I mean, it is just like your office, except it’s sick/injured people with no medical provider. I kid, of course, everyone is an amateur provider with Google.

I mostly work as an acute care provider. Very rarely do I sit and have a conversation with someone about their blood pressure unless they are in a hypertensive crisis (Though master does like to ask about blood types just to B+). Usually, what I deal with is what you read about on occasion.

I learned to hate food comparisons when I was in women’s health. Descriptions of body fluids and secretions were always in the form of, “it looks like…” For instance, the discharge from a yeast infection looks like cottage cheese. Yeah, despite my iron stomach, I was done with cottage cheese. Another descriptive was cherry Kool-Aid color urine. Well, there went another one…

It burns when I pee. Oh, joy… It may be time to compare her discharge with cottage cheese (And…another one bites the dust…). Why not spread the love, so other people hate cottage cheese as well. Either way, it is always fun to have this discussion with a female. For those who know me, imagine a fairly large older man with a beard walking into the exam room to talk about your nether regions. They usually look at me like, “Maybe it doesn’t burn so bad.”

I start hoping for it to be a UTI, but it is most likely not, because when a woman presents like this to you, they usually tell you they “feel” like they are getting a UTI. Most of the time when a woman comes in, they usually tell the nurse before I even see them, they think they have it, and the nurse is smart enough to already get a urine sample. Once in a while, the women are wrong, but not that often. We do ask the obvious questions about STD’s and things that might make it a yeast or bacterial infection of the vagina. She tells the nurse that she is also getting some white discharge in her undies. Ugh…down for a look and sure enough, there it is. Pretty dang diagnostic for the most part and at least, in this situation, there is not a foul odor. A little antifungal treatment and she will be fine in a few days.

A UTI is also easy to treat once you figure out what you are dealing with. The most common bacteria in a female urinary tract infection is e-coli. This comes from your gut and is not the bad e-coli. That one is more likely to be found in cow guts. If it is e-coli, then it is a hygiene issue, as she is most likely wiping back to front (That’s whack, don’t go crack to crack…). I have spent more time than I care to explain to teenage and pre-teen girls the necessity of wiping front to back.

Why do girls get UTI’s more often? It is a simple difference in plumbing. The urethra (tube that comes from the bladder, not a famous singer) for women is 3-4 inches max. It is also in a moist dark place, which is a favorite of bacteria. Lastly, it is near the anus (not close, but near) so cross-contamination is a possibility. Men have about 9” of urethra (don’t get cocky fellas, most of that tubing is on the inside and not visible, so you are not as well-endowed as your hook up profile says). The penis is not in a moist environment typically. And has a larger distance between the opening and the anus. Isn’t this fun? So, girls got the raw end of it, literally. Thankfully a UTI is easy, and I am able to prescribe antibiotics and off she goes.

An infection downstairs on a female indicates what? Nothing. She’s a woman. The plumbing is different. That’s it. There is no need for a special hygiene routine.

Some people suggest douching. The only douche in a woman’s life should be a male and not the funny little bottle that comes from Massengill. Douching is more likely to cause problems with women’s hygiene. Just like being around a human douche can cause a problem in a woman’s life.

Well stay clean and watch for the food like discharge.

Bats, what are they good for? Absolutely, freeloading…