Because I have been!

 

 

Anyone who knows me, knows I have PTSD (I know I never shut the fuck up about it).

 

Being “triggered,” as I talked about in a blog almost a year ago, is way different than anxiety before a test or seeing something that frightens you or bothers you that has a small residual effect. When I am triggered, I can have those little road bumps where I can “walk it off” (as coach always said). Sometimes, like this weekend, it takes a lot more than a walk, it takes a long and concerted effort, and frankly, it is exhausting. Ask anyone who deals with post-traumatic stress. I have been triggered since Thursday at about 2355. (that’s 11:55pm). I think I am finally coming down(ish). I will, of course, spend days perseverating.

First off, I want this to be over, and I am not trying to milk this for my benefit. Honestly, I am hurt, and pushing through this would be super cool. Even though I spill my guts on Facebook quite often and am happy to have support, many times, I am just trying to push the anger out, and “yelling into the void” (as one friend calls my posts) Is productive. Sometimes that scream can cause a catharsis, and I am better. This time not as much as I hoped.

My initial response was extreme anger; Extreme. I had to go outside and scream. I started to see red, and for at least three and a half hours, I was wide awake, heart pounding and feeling like my skin was on fire. I tried coping mechanisms. Walking didn’t seem to distract me. I tried puzzles that didn’t distract me. I have an app on my phone that the VA created called, “PTSD Toolkit,” with all kinds of exercises designed to mitigate PTSD triggers and ground someone. The toolkit allows you to regain a level of focus and hopefully expand your coping mechanisms. If you are successful, you can regain control through mindfulness or other coping skills to be able to function. I highly recommend it. Well, I was having none of that. All of a sudden, a lot of old hurt and issues came flying out. The past injury was in addition to the pain of fighting to do a thing.  Only to have that thing ripped away from you by people who don’t care.

Funny that this program centers around violence prevention. Yet, I was mistreated more by both the local education department and by the national one occasion. I enjoyed teaching it; I enjoyed teaching people to teach it. I had a passion and truly was an ambassador of the program. If someone talked it down, I was quick to address their concerns or complaints and explain the rationale. I told people to write their issues on the comment forms. I know those are looked at and discussed. The program uses personal safety skills, that before they are taught, are mapped on a computer and examined in a kinesthetic lab. The program works; for me, it wasn’t hard to sell.

After I became an APRN, there was a question that I may not be able to teach, but I made a great effort to keep teaching, I wanted to. Then came the new head of the education department, who I am not sure why she didn’t like the fact that I refused to commit to some classes. Well, they weren’t my responsibility to teach, and I was met with a very long lecture on how I needed to do more. A national conference was due, and just before I could go, I broke my foot. You all remember that? Well, I was physically unable to do most of the personal safety and containment skills because of my boot. Oh, that fucking boot…

 

Well, we agreed that I would sit it out and go to the next one. I registered and promptly received an email from the education witch that, “how dare I just register,” “we have someone else we want to train,” “you have no commitment to this program,” all direct quotes. I was fucking stunned. I replied, very terse and advised the witch that we had talked when I broke my foot and I would go now. My physical condition is why I haven’t taught, and you knew that. I have the fucking emails.

Oh, now we send these accusatory emails that talk to me like I was stealing the crown jewels, and I don’t have the sense of a toddler. Her writing style looked more and more like that with each email. I had one moment of clarity when I asked my boss if I saw this correctly, he assured me I was. She was sending each one of these emails to my food chain as well as the national coordinator. Oh, game on bitch.

Of course, because the level of the trigger was terrible. The things that happened after are what scares me.

First, the shadows appear. Nothing too obvious, but I keep catching shadows in my peripheral vision. Then the perceptual disturbances occur. I keep feeling like someone is standing next to me, even if they aren’t. I hear strange noises or am more usually more hyperaware of sounds made around me. Noises are not often hallucinations. These are things that happen to crazy people, fuck. I am hypervigilant, I am hyperaware, I am bloody pissed to the top of Old Smokey, and I am in a room with my thoughts.

To his cred, my service dog Pax came over and started pawing me and trying to crawl on me. These are the things he does when I am having these “moments” to redirect me.  He was able to keep bringing focus to him. Go, Pax.

The result was a couple of long Facebook posts about some past interactions and some organizations I have left. The next morning, the emails only got worse. I rage quit (first time), and then the shit broke, and I was still embarrassed and suffering grief from the loss of this position. The whole thing hit me like a tidal wave. I was about 36 hours into this trigger. When I slept, the nightmares were beyond violent, and I hardly slept.

Finally, I calmed down, realized that even though it was over, I was still better for walking away.

Or at least I thought it was over. When I started to get ready for work, I felt those old demons come back that kept telling me that work would hurt me and that I should stay home and relax. No, no voices just that feeling of dread.

Pax is here; all is well. My staff is, of course, grateful. They are always thankful that I am here, and there has been no change in how I am treated.   I have had a few ask about it and offer their thoughts on the program (some less than polite). My husband has been supportive, but he has learned to take my crazy in stride. Honestly, I thought I was getting better, and it takes a couple of conversations and snippy, bitchy threats to cause me to lose almost 48 hours to this fucking crap.

The aftermath is that after settling into work and putting this together, I am finding that I am normalizing. It’s a tough process.

I am never happy to hear people talk about being triggered so casually. The last 48 hours are what triggered me.  I feel this way when I am triggered.  It is far worse than most folks I have seen “triggered” when they have no real trauma.

Anyhow, be the kind of person your mom and your dog hope you are.