So one of the benefits”?” of being done with school is that I am free to read again. I have always had a passion for science fiction and fantasy reading. No, I do not sit around reading medical journals all day, I read enough of them to post this blog daily, and I learn a lot. I have been reading a lot since I left school because I missed it so much. I have that friends list on Facecrack, where friends post book lists as well as what they are reading currently. They also recommend books that they know one of us will enjoy. I have two years of these recommendations.
Like everyone who reads literature, I read the well put together novels, and I also read trash, enter Reddit. Reddit is a freaking rabbit hole if I have ever seen it. It never ends, there are turns everywhere, shit you don’t want to see and then finally an “escape”(maybe). No just like watching hours of YouTube on autoplay, Reddit is just as bad.
So I tend to read the subreddits. Instead of a page long guide, if you want to know how Reddit works and have your trips down the rabbit hole, look at the article here.
Thew story comes from the subreddit r/AmItheAsshole. Which, in short, is where people post stories asking if their behavior made them an asshole or if they were right in doing this.
Whew, what a long set up for this, but the background information is essential. First, the post, mostly in its entirety. And this has been recovered because even Reddit found it too horrible for the platform. So bear with it, I have re-typed it and formatted it a little for reading.
Am I the asshole for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/offensive behavior during my pregnancy?
The author is u/morbidmommy11
Lotta context the character limit cuts off, but here’s the jist: My husband I are expecting our first child, which I knew would be a sensitive issue as his own mother died in childbirth delivering him. We met with a marriage counselor to talk things through at the beginning, and he swears he’s been seeing his own therapist twice a month through the pregnancy. I don’t want to call him a liar, but I am fairly sure he is not going or not talking about the big issue – he and his father (A hugely active part of our lives) are COMPLETELY convinced that I’m going to die in childbirth. They won’t openly admit it, but their behavior has reached point where it is constantly making me feel stressed and uncomfortable.
Ok, death during childbirth is a pretty hit to any family. I am siding with the OP here and I have to say that he has not been going to therapy or has most likely been going and painting your attitudes as the problem in this pregnancy. “How you don’t respect his and his father’s loss and their sensitivity about it, “ that kind of bullshit. Yeah, I get the loss HUGE, but for real, this is so “all about me” on the father and more importantly, the father in law, that it is hard to pin her response as anything but minimal so far.
When it was husband saying, “please make sure your life insurance is up to date “ and “I’d like to meet with a lawyer and draft a will” I was like, “that’s kind of intense but ok, if that makes you feel better.”
When husband asked me to go through all of my possessions and “inventory” what I wanted to be saved for the baby vs. what I would want to be returned to my family in the event of my death, I put my foot down and said absolutely not. Too morbid. No way. My father in law (who lives a few blocks away and eats dinner with us 2-4 nights a week) got on my case about how I was making things difficult for my husband in the event he will be a grieving widower with a newborn. I am just gonna add here that I have had a complication free pregnancy and have NO REASON to think I will die screaming in the coming weeks.
Ok, this is just irrational behavior on the husband’s part. While it is good to have a will and a living will (I have one since I was 19), it is stressful and morbid to assume you are dying immediately and that you need to start separating your things.
Also, as a note here, pregnancy is not a walk in the park for women. It can be and is stressful on the body and mind and doesn’t need this kind of “help.”
As an insert, the Original poster (called OP on Reddit) has said that she has told how stressful this behavior is making her to both of them, but has been ignored.
“When I tell my husband this, he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been ‘amazing single dad’ (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really) and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through.” At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my father in law again, and certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural or laughing gas. He’s a commanding presence and I know that whatever he wants in the delivery room, he will get (I know people will say “oh labor and delivery nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man)
Ok, oh hell the fuck no. As Robin Williams once said, “It’s like passing a bowling ball through your ass while having your lower lip pulled over your head.” This is nice if the mommy wants it, but old narcissistic numb nuts needs to stay the fuck out of her pain control. Look, the epidural is tricking in childbirth because you don’t want a mother to have too much so that they are unable to push; however you need to keep the pain level in check. The other useful thing that an epidural allows for is if there is an issue during delivery, the anesthesiologist can immediately provide a block and anesthetic to take the mother down far enough for a c-section to be performed. This is used if they decide the labor is non-productive and a danger to mom and baby, problems with baby’s heart rate, or to in general, prevent fetal demise. No jackass you should not be “dictating” shit. No daddy or father in law in delivery.
As I said, I’ve always felt like he resented me a little for “taking” my husband from him but we still got on well, I’ve been completely unprepared for this because the way he treats me now is just…unimaginably cold and weird and controlling. He was never like this before I got pregnant. When we got into it about the epidural/laughing gas he told me that the “only important part of delivery is a healthy baby”, that medical intervention for the mother is inherently bad for the baby, and when I said “my comfort is an important aspect of the birth” he told me “your comfort in this process is irrelevant”. So….yeah. We’re not coming back from that. Our relationship is completely done.
Oh my fucking dog, your comfort is not relevant? Yeah, no one but medical personnel and maybe one of your parents (if they are available and will tell these jerks to shut the fuck up) in the delivery suite.
My husband in addition to backing his dad on everything acts like my due date is my death date and has completely pulled away from me. Every minute with him is morbid, stressful, and a reminder that our marriage seems to be crumbling. No matter how many times I tell him his behavior makes me stressed and upset it’s just getting worse, and I do NOT what it around me while I’m concentrating on giving birth. Do I owe it to my husband to let him stress and upset me during labor? Is his presence in at the birth more important than a safe and healthy delivery? My therapist says “no”, but this whole thing has been so weird I feel like I need some outside prospective.
Well, I think in this set up it does look like this marriage is kinda done. There would need to be some severe counseling to put any of this together and in honesty, you would need to get the father in law to get over his daddy issues here.
Yeah, that is kind of cold, but what is happening here, if you can not see it, is the father in law is projecting and transferring the grief of losing his wife in childbirth, to you and his son. He has moved OP into her position with no possible indication that she is even remotely at risk here. I will give one granted that any childbirth is risky, but let’s be honest she already plans on having in a hospital with an attending physician or midwife and labor and delivery nurses. Your risk declines immensely.
The birth should be all about you. Sorry, daddy can wait in the waiting room with his daddy for support. At this point, even with a serious conversation, I agree your marriage may be done here.
God’s blog, has the creepy responses, which are in screenshots (because the post was removed), so It is a ton of typing. Needless to say, they are super fucking creepy. Look kids, childbirth is rough and there is no reason for being this kind of incredible narcissist, a manipulative, gaslighting person during it. I fucking get the fact that dad used the grief to drive him raising OP’s husband, it wasn’t healthy then and it isn’t healthy now.
Comment if you have them, it would be interesting to hear what you think.
Also, be the kind of person your mom and your dog hope you are.