This will be an unhinged post, so fair warning. On May 22, one of the worst chapters in my life ended. I was honestly happy, although it didn’t require his death; he just needed to be the fuck out of my life.

This letter to him… is raw emotion, so you have been warned.

Dear Jacob,
We passed the 6-month mark since you left the mortal coil. Lately, I am glad you are gone. Again, I never did or ever will wish you dead, although this last week tried my patience.

I finally got the results of your autopsy. I’ll just say it: when the hell did you contract HIV. Also, why the fuck didn’t you tell me? Honestly, of all the fucking crap you pulled in our marriage, that takes the cake. It also explains why you would not take an HIV test when I renewed your descovy.

Did you find out in January, and is that the reason you all of a sudden wanted to start having sex again? Jake, we went 4 years (almost to the day) with no sex. I really had no interest in sex with you or even intimacy. Honestly, the last 3 month of your life it was purely mechanical for me. It was always about you. I was just there because you chose.

Nothing brought this closer to the truth than your birthday gang bang (5 in one night? 2 the next night?) I realize I always allowed you a “hall pass” (even though I wasn’t allowed this), but really that many guys? Did they know your status, or are there 7 guys running around SLC who may have been exposed to your HIV? You were so bug adverse that you used to freak out when it was mentioned, yet in the end, you didn’t tell anyone about it that I know of. HIV is very treatable; it’s not the death sentence that it was when It first hit, as long as it is treated.

Oh well, like your dad said when I told them, “It is what it is,” which sounds like a man who knew your antics, and nothing surprised him. Judging by what they told my sister when she dropped your cremains off, you had a long history of depression and defiance. I hope she yelled at your remains and gave you a piece of her mind. This raises the question, other than I know the answer, why was it so important to only have contact with your family? Contact with my family was always “bringing in drama.” I had to leave the house to see my sister and mother when they passed through; they weren’t allowed at “your house” even though I was paying as much as you were a month on the mortgage and I was on the title. Even my dad really wasn’t allowed in the end. The funny part is my dad said when he came up after you died, it was the first time he didn’t feel like he needed to drink to be there.

Well, buddy, I have been reading a book about narcissistic behavior, and you, my friend, could be the poster child for this. Your entitlement alone was unbearable, and you used to make comments about how much you hated entitlement. I realize now you didn’t want them to steal the spotlight from you.

My traveling companion to Costa Rica asked me yesterday if you were always like that, and I realized that your behaviors happened early in our relationship. You were an extrovert, and I was an introvert. Our friend Sarah J often said, “Jacob is a for profit for Jacob entity,” Meaning she knew all along about you. The companionship and things we had in common made me want to ignore the initial hints. The fundamental changes when you turned 21, and you start going to Snookum’s (a gay bar in Butte, MT, no longer there). All of a sudden, you wanted to be able to fuck around, and you did. I was not afforded this option, although I was buried in school and had no interest in going to the bar or dragging toys home. When or if I did try, you were nearly violent with me…Foreshadowing? In your words, I remember several times we lived together but weren’t together. Twice in Butte and Twice in Salt Lake City. No matter what, you always were free to fool around.

So, I guess looking back, it should be no surprise that you contracted HIV since you very rarely wore protection. You always thought asking someone would ensure safety, even with random men. I never felt comfortable with this, at the very least. If I looked around, I was supposed to bring them home so YOU could be involved. Again, it was OK if you did it alone, me not so much. I honestly should have known then.

When you were challenged, you became violent. I have 3 separate instances. The famous garage fight after ROM, which left me with a broken right orbit, stupidly, I did not call the cops. I was gaslighted (one of thousands of times) that it was my fault. For fucks sake, I conducted a training the following day.

There was a day before Thanksgiving 2017 when you attacked me. High on Nitrous and Drunk. I called 911, and after everything, you were still gaslighting me enough to believe I shouldn’t press charges.

Last was just before you died when I was using the bathroom; you kicked in the door and broke the wall and the door frame. I didn’t call 911 mainly because I knew I was out of there and didn’t want to deal with your hostility.

Ultimately, I was ready to have you out of my life. I was prepared to move out and take over a 2k monthly hit on rent. You may have had the inkling I was leaving, and I think I finally stopped caring because you are gone on this trip to Costa Rica. Things have stayed the same here in the 2 years since we came. The best part is that you aren’t here, even as a specter; I have thought of you only once or twice, and this blog piece is the second time.

Honestly, the only good change is you are not with me. I really think it was shitty that you thought the only escape was to take your life. I know it was never formally told to you, but I was going to divorce you. My attorney and I had worked out a more than fair exchange so that you would not be slammed in the case. Even at the end of the relationship, I still cared a little.

I firmly believe that your last narcissistic act was your suicide. You somehow thought that it would devastate me? I will admit I have been fucked up by it, although you did get your wish. I had to explain the situation to everyone and tell the story. You are getting the needed attention, even though your physical presence left the planet. Maybe in death, you sought to continue being the center of attention, that extrovert you were when we first met, who liked to be the center of attention. Wow, I just realized you were always a narcissist.

Well, I am going back to my new life. I have made great strides to put you in the past and to get past the hurt you caused me during your life. For your edification, you will always be remembered, but at this point, I have no fond memories of you. Just aches

Always remember be the kind of person your dog and your mother hope you are.  As the Costa Rican’s say Pura Vida (pure life)