Back home from Costa Rica, and wow, what a trip. It was 7 good days of being out of town, and I was happy to leave and come home for the first time. No, I didn’t hate it; I had a pretty good time just hanging out in the sun, by the pool (or in it), at the beach, or wandering through touristy small towns. The nice thing about Costa Rica is that everyone is friendly and polite. One doesn’t have to feel like they are always on guard. Yes, I know that is naïve, but I did not see the contrary. I know it exists; it exists everywhere. I was fortunate enough not to see it.

I have been silent since I arrived home for many reasons. I have been super reflective in my discussions with my friend Jason while I was there. Surprisingly, I had yet to hear much of his insight and commentary on what he had seen.

Jason and I are not regular “talkers,” I seriously think that was the most incredible thing about this trip.

He brought up many salient points while we were there, in amongst a lot of time we spent doing our own thing. It was great to hang out with no real expectations. It made the trip far more relaxing.

First, and not most importantly, we did things together but spent much time doing our own things. This was a massive departure from previous winter trips, and while I never disliked them, I feel like we always wanted to “see everything;” Don’t get me wrong, I do want to see things and do things, but there is a certain amount of decompression that is needed when you get a vacation because we are already hectic in our daily life. The one thing that truly sucks about our society is the notion that a “good work ethic” means you literally drive yourself into the ground daily to the point that it takes the first 3 days of a 7-day vacation to get your feet back under you and actually get the rest you need. Again, I enjoyed the previous winter trips, but the pace was daunting, and of course, there was always “him.”

So yes, in the past seven months, I have spent a great deal of time undoing many years of “damage” to myself and my psyche. Yes, this has been quite the year.

Therapy continues to be helpful in my “recovery” from the events this summer. It is beneficial in the grieving process. I had some initial attendance issues, mainly because of poor time management on my part. In many ways, I spent too much time in my head and not processing. After finally getting my shit together, so to speak, I am finally moving forward with things, which leads us to the present.

Today, some astute observations were made. I have pretty solid PTSD. If you are a reader of this blog, you know why. Between combat trauma and military sexual trauma, I have fought hard to just “feel normal.” The first observation today was the fact that I was still referring to my PTSD in the 3rd person. One of the biggest things the therapist said was that taking ownership of those feelings and triggers was far more productive (and healing) than describing them in the third person. By “owning” (describing them as I or me), I can process those feelings and realize that I am making progress, and I also know where I still have to make progress. PTSD is an involved process where I often feel like I take one step forward and two steps back.

Sometimes it’s the other way around. The goal of living with PTSD is to make it a piece of who you are, not make it who you are.

Moving on is a huge step; I also have a new thing that I am starting to say when I know he would have “hated” something I do or am doing. For example, I find myself saying, “Jake would have hated that.” My almost immediate response in the last 10 days has been, who cares? It’s my house or my choice, not his, or the even more crass, “Who cares he’s dead.” I am saying this about 60% of the time, almost right away, and that is increasing. She thinks it is a super healthy development and that it is helping me take back that sense of self that we both feel I lost in all the years of our relationship/marriage.

Lastly is the more surprising thing, and that is that his suicide, while selfish as hell, really “did me a favor” in that it saved both financial heartbreaks as well as the mental anguish caused by a divorce. The legal costs alone were heavy, especially when coupled with the emotional costs and the inevitable gaslighting and attempts to continue to dominate my life after the separation.

Face it, folks, our separation/divorce would have been a freaking mess.

At 7 months, I am no longer just saying I am in a better place; I am starting to believe it.

Lastly, my “solo” Christmas turned out to be excellent. A day on my own, in PJs, watching The Mads and MST3K episodes were a pretty damn good tonic for the soul. I realized that while I enjoy company, it is still very awkward when I entertain. Again, my therapist pointed out, and I agree, that the specter of Jake still looms over get-togethers and makes them uneasy time, even if the guests help with setting up the entertainment.   My guests at Thanksgiving were great; I just wasn’t ready for that stimuli (as weird as that sounds).

Everyone is still welcome at my home; it’s part of my more extensive healing process. I will make it through this better as time passes, making me feel better. Well, it’s time for some mindfulness in the hot tub.

Rember be the type of person that your mom and your dog hope you are.