So right now, I am binge-watching of all things Bar Rescue and, of course, blogging and processing things about what happened in my 27-year relationship with him. Bar Rescue is a formulaic show. There is a bar that is failing, Jon Taffer (the host) shows up and recons the bar to see what is making them fail. Then he goes in, flies off the handle, and yells about performance, egos, etc. There is a ton of “drama,” and in the end, Taffer gets them to “solve” the problem that fixes the drama. Wash, rinse, repeat, cash the fucking check. I wonder/wish it were that easy to solve any relationship drama. Jon accomplishes a lifetime of issues with ego or drama in a one-hour show. Again, if only it was that easy.

I am trying to move away from the constant processing of the relationship; however, I need to keep putting my feelings out because I am trying to evict Jacob, who seems to still be living somewhat “rent-free” in my head. The adage that bringing light to dark space makes it disappear. This post is about domestic violence and the weird support received from outside our relationship.
Honestly, my marriage hit the rocks shortly after we married in 2013. It was getting worse the last year before he committed suicide. I was talking to a friend about all the domestic violence that occurred; this includes both emotional and physical abuse. During the conversation, we talked about how a lot of people overlooked the outward signs of the abuse because they wanted the “gay couple” to be successful too, in a sense, prove to the rest of the world that we are capable of a successful relationship as a straight couple.

The “violence” had always existed in our relationship. It was subtle at first, with nothing physical. The initial abuse was primarily emotional, and to be fair, it did take a while to progress to violence. It did progress to violence.

The cycle of domestic violence is a pattern of abuse that commonly occurs in abusive relationships. It consists of three phases: the tension-building phase, the acute battering phase, and the honeymoon phase. In the tension-building phase, there is an increase in tension and conflict, leading to verbal or emotional abuse. This is followed by the acute battering phase, where physical violence occurs. Finally, in the honeymoon phase, the abuser may show remorse, apologize, and make promises to change, leading the victim to believe the abuse will stop. However, this phase is often short-lived before the cycle starts again. Victims of domestic violence need to seek help and support to break free from this harmful cycle.

In our case, it took a couple years to finally “hit” (sorry, bad pun) stage of violence. Let me take a moment to tell you how things progressed and what made it subtle and insidious. It never starts with outright violence. Actually, for many years, it was primarily emotional abuse that would follow the cycle to “acute-battering,” and then it would reset itself. Those who know me know this has been going on for many years. I learned much about what I missed and what was noticed after I was out of the situation.

The first violence occurred shortly after we moved into our home in Green River, although it was against the property. One thing you don’t think about is that even violence committed in your presence is domestic violence. While I was “educated” on violence, I really didn’t know a damn thing and was very naïve about the depths of domestic violence. Still, as we know, I really got a real-life lesson and lifelong lesson on exactly how insidious and unrecognized domestic violence is in our day-to-day lives. For example, I only found his very last episode about 1 week before he died (he kicked open the bathroom door while I was on the toilet) was, in fact, domestic violence. I discovered this when I spoke to the police violence team (the one time they actually proved they could help with a battered male more later on that). I couldn’t believe I had essentially washed over that professional knowledge in my personal life. I was educated in this; why couldn’t I see it in my life?
The “experts” (of which I should be one) say in addressing domestic violence that victims may struggle to recognize and break free from this cycle, often due to a complex combination of factors such as fear, manipulation, and emotional dependency. Victims need support, awareness, and resources to empower them to recognize and escape this cycle while also holding abusers accountable for their actions. Without the above knowledge, the victim is often stuck, and yes, kids, that is even for a “professional.”

Unrecognized by me, the cycle only escalated, and did it escalate to include more emotional, physical, and even, in the end, sexual violence. Holy shit, was I not prepared to make those realizations in, of all places, Cody, Wyoming, while I was traveling.

Many who know me know that emotional violence has escalated through the years. If you don’t know me, I will tell you it started with the usual barbs at my level of intelligence, comments like how I was dumb for being a soldier, and how he was much smarter going to college instead of the Army. It’s insidious, and he had me parroting how stupid I was to the point I believed him. After I went into nursing, I was told how dumb nurses were and how lucky I was that at least he was “smart” for being a chemist. It was added to the fact that nurses unfairly made more money than a “humble” chemist (his words). I think that is why he sought the job he did post-college in an attempt to eclipse my wage as a nurse.

Shortly after graduation, physical things started. Hitting walls, slamming doors, and, of course, the emotional abuse continued. The property damage continued to escalate, and I was left to fix what he broke. The one thing that never got fixed was me as a person (yeah, I know it sounds trite).

Fast forward to 2012.

The emotional violence became physical, and a broken right eye orbit later, I had broken into the world of physical violence. I have talked about these incidents in detail elsewhere. In a sense, the argument ended with him punching me solidly in the eye and later gaslighting me into believing that it was my fault I was punched and somehow deserved it. The worst part was the next day, I was teaching people who are professionals who deal with crises. I later (much later) heard that the assault didn’t go unnoticed that day, but it was a year before that organization investigated the incident, and by that time, I had been gaslighted to believe that I was going to suffer more and that I was somehow just as guilty as he was for punching me.

When I said it didn’t go unnoticed, several folks who recognized the trend encouraged me to continue my relationship because we were “good together.” “You guys are the gay couple that shows that gay couples can succeed.” It turned out that we were just like any couple, gay or straight, with all the same domestic problems.
Know that I was formally married a year later (2013 because marriage between 2 men was not legalized until then). Honestly, I was trapped by the gaslighting all around me. Friends thought I was “happy” in that relationship; I was a little because when it was good, it was really good. After all, he was really good at the honeymoon phase (at least until the end).

Minor physical property damage continued. It affected me as I often paid for the materials to repair.

The DV case reported to police in 2017 has been well discussed, but as was typical with our situation, I was gaslighted into believing I was part of the problem and that I shouldn’t press charges.

Which brings me to the end.

I realized in my writings that I was sexually abused for about the whole time we were together. He could fool around, and I was often told in great gory detail about his sexual exploits; I was not allowed to have sex away from the relationship…I could set up a 3 way where he was the center of attention. See my posts about narcissism for this shit. I was cut off sexually (no sex) for about 4 years until about 3 months before the end when the sex almost mysteriously restarted. Nothing fresh or new, just sex to satisfy his ego and something much more sinister. In the end, he had HIV. There is evidence to support him trying to give me the “bug.”
In the end, I finally realized a few hours ago that I had no more sympathy for or pity for him. He is entirely past any forgiveness on my part. I refuse to work towards any sympathy or pity.

He did what he did to both me and to himself. Forgiveness to me is being able to accept the person on some level again, and I will never be able to do that. There can never be redemption here; I cannot and will not ever endorse the behavior, and I have to take the experience and help others now. Hopefully, my story will resonate with other victims of violence, just like my best friend uses his rape as an opportunity to raise awareness; man, I learn from him every damn day. Thanks, Paul

Well, onward with a new direction to drive forward and a new goal. I am going to work to put this violence awareness out there and try to be the voice that victims like me actually hear.

Be the kind of person your dog and mom hope you are.