It’s an overused phrase: “it’s all about the children,” or “what about the children?” The question I have in all of this is—if you really cared about children, why don’t you do things to promote child welfare instead of hindering it?

Before I delve into all this lovely bit of commentary, let me say a couple of things that may be reiterated later, but should be said up front. First of all: if you want to have children, have children. If you don’t, then don’t. Either way, you are not entitled to tell someone else what they should or shouldn’t do with their reproductive life. It’s extremely distasteful to mandate through religious doctrine or societal pressure the need to have children for the sake of having children.

We all know that many religious groups encourage their followers to have children—often in the hope of populating the next generation with more believers. Additionally, I’m more than happy to pay taxes to keep schools open and as free as possible. If children are going to be in this world and become adults, a lack of education is definitely not a good thing. I also have no problem with taxes going to things like vaccines and healthcare. Even though I don’t have kids, I’d rather not deal with a future filled with uneducated adults and preventable diseases. With that said, let’s begin the rest of the unpleasantness, shall we?

I already did a fairly angry piece about vaccine programs. Do we really need to go there again? Apparently we do, since grown adults are still trying to eliminate vaccines that have prevented childhood disease since the 1960s. When was the last time you met someone who had polio? When did you last hear about the iron lung?

Here’s a good example of how rare vaccine-preventable diseases are in this country: I was working in the ER when a child came in with a rash. A resident examined the kid, listed off a long differential—but never once mentioned the actual diagnosis. The attending walked into the room, took one look, came out and said, “He has measles. I hope everyone’s vaccinated.” The fact that the resident had never seen measles before is a testament to how well vaccines work.

I don’t know what kind of fucking kick this country is on for pretending vaccines are a problem. I guess it goes along with the rest of our conspiracy-theory-fueled government paralysis. Bottom line: vaccines work. Shut up and get your damn shots like the rest of us did, so you never have to meet the iron lung in person.

And as for the COVID vaccine that everyone got their tinfoil hats twisted over—it worked. For something everyone kept calling “experimental,” it had a low adverse reaction rate. That’s a testament to how well-tested vaccines actually are. The real missed headline? The cutting-edge technology behind it might make future vaccines (like the flu shot) even better. If you love your kids, get them fucking vaccinated.

Honestly, children are little “cesspools,” as my pediatrics professor used to say. First-time parents with school-age kids will tell you—those little germ factories bring home everything. And even when you do everything right, you still end up sick.

I will say this, though—I watched a friend parenting his kids, and one of the most impressive things was how consistently he modeled handwashing, proper sneezing/coughing, and basic hygiene. That stuff matters. Pair it with vaccinations and you’re actually protecting kids. Which is more than can be said for conspiracy theorists on Facebook with a GED and a Red Bull.

Now, if it hasn’t already been alluded to, yours truly lives in good ol’ Utah. Mormons are well-known for promoting massive families. I’m talking 6, 7, 8, 10 kids. And I have friends with all kinds of opinions on parenting—which is fine. What I don’t want is a debate on personal choices about parenting or not parenting.

But I will say this: if you’re going to have kids, have a damn plan. Not just until they’re 18 and you can “launch” them—but for when they still need you as adults. Kids don’t raise themselves. The government isn’t here to do it for you. You made them, you raise them.

I see way too many families treating childbirth like a competitive sport, regardless of whether they can afford or support the kids they’re bringing into the world. Worse, I’ve seen parents push their children to have more children—with no conversation about responsibility. It’s disturbing.

This country wants to force women to carry pregnancies to term, but then cuts Medicaid and child health programs. That tells you everything you need to know. It’s never been about children. It’s about control.

Children can be wonderful. So can a child-free life. Whatever you choose, just do it responsibly. Raise good humans if you’re having them. And please, for the love of science, tell the dumbasses to stop messing with vaccines and child healthcare programs.

And no matter what—be kind to your dog and your mother. There’s a good chance she was damn glad to bring you into the world.