I love that movie, only I am not really like Maria, although I do remember early 1900’s London.  The coal, the pollution, the waste is running through the streets…Ahh, the good ole days.

I’ve reached that subtle point where it can’t be others; it has to be me. I know that when you read this blog, you want to see all these “super nurse” stories and great ideas, but here you are stuck with someone who is quite feeling their mediocrity at the moment.

It is hard for it not to be overwhelming, but I think I am staving that off at the moment. Picture the battle scene and 300…

So what do I do? How or should I adjust my behaviors? Is there something innate about me that’s wrong? And finally as is communicated to other members of our team?

I think I will start the last one. I am a team player. However, I am not proactive unless I am at a point where my responsibilities free me to devote maximum effort I can to a situation. I’m all or nothing I don’t think I have a middle switch. I will step up for the team when I’m asked but often am not asked or assumed to be unhelpful. I have tried to mitigate this conversation with people to ensure they know they can always ask, but that a lot of times I’m not smart enough to detect their need for help without them saying something. Am I doing it wrong? Maybe I am it’s a selfish part of all of us that has our interests first then because in a lot of situations our license holds us accountable for our shit. In my situation, my honesty here is that I want my shit to be right. It doesn’t mean I will ditch the team effort for this. I don’t know, maybe you do.

Is there something innate about me that’s wrong? No. I’m competent. I have a ton of experience, and I will always defer to others in those situations where I am not a hundred percent in the direction I need to go. Of course, I’m not a super experienced practitioner because I’ve only been licensed for approximately a year. I remember back to one of my first shifts as an LPN, and I worked with the charge nurse named Tina. Tina was an interesting cat, she was a very hard worker and very pleasant, but man she could lay out observations like nobody’s business. She told me one morning she said you know what the book says to do, but you’re not able to do it from your gut. Sure, you can follow the protocol, but you may not know why the patient needs this protocol. Then (almost magically) you get it. You know to patients in trouble, you know what you’re looking at, and the bottom line is you develop a gut that tells you where you are with this patient. I remember that day I will tell you it’s creepy because everything just rolled out of my mouth. Someday I imagine as a nurse practitioner I won’t have to look everything up in the pharmacopeia or up-to-date. I will just be able to prescribe and be accurate randomly. I already have the 20 years of experience as a staff nurse to help with my diagnostics, and I think it does.

The biggest and baddest question I have is, should I change anything? I am not sure.  I think my abrasive days are over and with my level of education, I think the idea of “taking me down a peg,” is way past.  I have paid the dues in Nursing, and honestly, I do not possess the God complex that many MDs and some NPs develop.  I try to do the best I can in a “harmful” situation.

Harmful? Maybe? I think a good deal of my response is linked to my PTSD. I know I speak of it a lot; however, I had to overcome some very major hurdles with PTSD to get my graduate degree. Concentration sucks and the stress increases my ability to concentrate decreases. When I’m with the patient, I can recall all of the things that are needed to assess that patient properly and to diagnose. Another, “ I dunno.”

Last and not least, our people just shitty? I think I have the real answer. I don’t hear an overwhelming argument against my existence; it’s just pockets of dissent. I think I can diagnose myself as being more stable than I think I am being solid as a practitioner for only being a year out of school.

There’s an adage in a group I belong to the goes, “first do nothing.” A lot of my practice unless I need to do something I do nothing. Sometimes situations just right themselves. I attempt to keep my interactions with other providers professional.  The golden rule always applies, even if you are king of the bitches. Also, don’t have casual drinks with the boss and talk about my past.  A true professional would stop before anything was said.

We need to revert to this.  We need to get kids out of cages, at this point, given the heat in those areas; it needs to be soon.  Screw the blame at this point that can come after children are released at least to parents or relatives.

Just cuz your guy is in the white house, leads the Senate, or is a friend of Dave Navarro doesn’t give you the right to be a shit person.  Ya know when you talk about a simpler time in America, they had fucking manners and they used them.  All 3 of those fuckers know about manners and how to use them, only Dave seems actually to use them. You are not exempt.  Do not be shocked if you are called on poor manners.  Just because an elected official tweets every little thought blowing through his mind is no excuse for you to have a lack of restraint.  He should have restraint, but once again, another story.

Well, I have an answer.  I am just that guy who reacts based on his disability, and I have never had those conversations. When I do, its too late and I am in a hole where what comes out of my mouth doesn’t help.  Maybe I should tweet it…