Way back in March, when I was young and naïve and thought, “I will recommit to a daily blog, I talked about the Vanessa Guillen act and how it did nothing to deal with survivors. Well, finally the “next few days,” have happened and here is one of the follow-ups. Be warned; I am going to piss you off. The words and terms can mock, belittle, or be homophobic. Look, if you know me, I am a walking gay pride parade, so I can say the words that many should not. This article is very descriptive of sexual assault. DO NOT PROCEED if this bothers you (and if you get off on it, you are a sick fuck).

Let’s talk about male rape.

Still don’t think it happens? Think all the guys that get raped are just a bunch of “queers?” You know because they get what they deserve because a “real man bests them?”

Don’t believe me?

Here’s a thought ever heard about someone going to jail and hear a comment made something to the effect of, “wait till he meets bubba.” Maybe you have said it yourself. Guess what you should be proud that you bought into rape culture. Yup, and before I get the typical response, let me say what people like you say, “fuck your feelings,” rape culture is a thing, it’s real, and it is perpetuated by comments like that and by super restrictive abortion laws.

Junior, a friend of mine, is a good guy. A little cocky and arrogant at times, and was like the typical teenager, but a solid human. His family is “religious” (I say that because it was the type of people that worked to maintain a church reputation, not be anything like “the savior,” as they like to call him). He decides that he really wants to join the Army (well, he wanted to be a Marine, but his parents freaked). The story isn’t about his family; this is about what happened to him.

He joins the national guard and ships out to basic training. After a few weeks, he is in his training company. Some folks take a shower after lights out as a habit, which is done at times by guys that just want a shower in quiet and not with 30 other naked guys. Tonight was different as he was attacked and raped by four guys.

Yeah, so bad that he ended up in the hospital. Of course, he does not say anything because of two things. At the time, the military had the policy of don’t ask, don’t tell, and he was scared that the mere mention of this would result in his discharge, so he bore the pain, but the damage was done. He ended up leaving the Army. As he was waiting to leave, a guy in his room, while waiting to out process, choked him one night and rapes him, telling him he is an “easy mark.”

This person is scarred, of course, and has PTSD from the rape. Think it’s a fluke? Doesn’t happen? You would be wrong. It happens all the damn time. Here is another example.

A soldier deploys.

He is in a unit with many people that he has never been able to form any kind of bond with, save one person who was in another platoon. That platoon goes to a different firebase for a while to do a specialized mission. The two began corresponding because, like him, they have very little in common with the guys in their platoon. Well, the two platoon sergeants are friends, and they discussed letter writing. The platoon sergeant then questions the soldier about his “homosexual relationship” with this person. Of course, denials (no matter what, it is not something you would admit in the military at that time, or even now actually). A few days later, this soldier is in his bunk when he wakes up choking. He is choking because the platoon sergeant’s buddy is sexually assaulting his mouth. after lots of comments, he was investigated as a homosexual by CID because the platoon sergeant saw the sexual act. Again silence. The soldier manages to complete the deployment, which included the other horrors of war and a few of his enlistments until every situation was causing triggers, he left.

So in the end, both were assaulted and left to deal with life as a survivor. It is not glamorous and often plagued with intrusive memories, which triggers flashbacks of everyday situations, including going to a medical provider. You know a medical provider that is supposed to help them physically.

Those trips are a nightmare.

First off, you walk into the veterans’ hospital to see your provider. The VA, while a wonderful place, is full of, you guessed it, veterans. Instantly thoughts of the military arise. The thoughts cause the hypervigilance to kick in. Then and suddenly, everyone from the oldest vet there to the newest and youngest vet is a threat; why? Simple, someone in uniform assaulted you. Yes, folks, the scars of an assault carry over to day-to-day life. Ask anyone who was attacked, but with military sexual trauma and being a male, those feelings amplify because your assault came from someone you know and have to trust because many times your life depends on them. Vets consider themselves a brotherhood, and from the time you are at the VA, you reminded on that we are all “brothers and sisters.” To the point of people calling each other brother and sister.

Look, it’s innocent, but for someone who a “teammate has assaulted,” that idea that you are somehow a “brother” is revolting to me. Look, I have trouble thanking other vets for their service, let alone someone thanking me for mine. My service was so marred and was so revolting because of an assault.

Then to the provider.

I have an excellent and caring provider, but you would be wrong if you think I like a genital or rectal exam. But, Nursiepoo, you are gay; why wouldn’t you like a good rectal exam? I do, when I CONSENT, and it is someone that I want to do it. But, the provider has to do it for your health. Yep, that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It doesn’t mean that it takes a ton of willpower not run out screaming from the room with my pants down (think the episode when Peter Griffin gets a prostate exam and sues the doctor). Genital exams are odd too, and it is challenging. The dentist is the toughest. Imagine a strange person sticking anything in your mouth. I have almost ended a dental visit when I gag. It takes my whole to be stuck in a chair without control to stay.

Junior is worse.

Not only the obvious exams, but he also does not like to be touched by a provider at all. As providers, we often just touch the patient without comment because, survey says, that’s what providers do. An exam can send him into a tailspin. Add to that; recently, the provider reminds him of one of his rapists: same hairstyle and facial structure.

So man up and do it, right? Again, part of the problem. The attitude about getting over shit needs to stop. Yes, everyone should move on from their trauma; it should not be our focus, just a piece of yourself that defines you not dominates you. Anyone who has ever been assaulted will tell you it is a day-to-day struggle. The boys will be boys; shit gets old. Boys should be held the fuck accountable.

What do you do as a provider? Well, you need to be aware of who your patient is. It would help if you were mindful of your actions. If you have no clue about the trauma because it is absent in the chart, you need to be situationally aware. Your spidey sense should always be keen in an exam. Look, maybe ask a patient if there is a part of an exam that may bother them. Ask about trauma. If you know about the trauma, find out what concerns the person, talk it through when you have to do that part of an exam, and don’t do that part if it is not needed.

I will tell you I have avoided dentists for years because, hey, I don’t like things in my mouth. In the case of a change of provider, because you remind the person of their attacker, it is nothing personal; they just don’t want to feel uncomfortable. You remind them of the rapist; they don’t think you are. They want to be able to trust, and that trust is tough for them. I am friends with junior. It took him years to trust me (no, I am not his provider, but I do give him insight into approaching a situation).

If your idea is only prevention, you have it only partially wrong. There are thousands of vets with sexual assault stories, and amongst them are a lot of males. Just getting over it is not an option. Don’t believe me? Many people still won’t believe or get over that their candidate lost.

Remember, be the kind of person your dog and your mom hope you are.