Well I did something that I haven’t done for a day or two. I managed to get out on my own and go to a concert at a local venue. This is the first time that I have been out to something on my own. I mean I did have Pax with me, but I got out.

Yes I did see Wicked in April but I did have assistance, this was the first time since the strokes that I have managed to venture out on my own to a public venue

Quite honestly, I’m proud of myself. In the past few months I have started to believe that I would never be able to function in a public venue ever again. Thankfully now I was able to break that for lack of a better term curse and prove to myself that I can be successful on my own.

The act was Above and Beyond. It was a favorite of both of ours and a group that we saw frequently in the last four or five years together. He had pretty much stopped listening to anything in the six to eight months before he died. I continue to enjoy my usual spectrum of music which included this group as well. There is a significant amount of their music catalog that has been released since he stopped listening to him and of course passed. So there wasn’t a lot in the show that triggered any real issues except for a song called Sun and Moon. It’s a good song and he enjoyed it and I’m not sure how he equated it to being part of us, because it is about separation. I felt kind of odd while it was going on, although they do a great bit with it that was okay I guess. I guess the overall feel was I don’t like it as much as I used to.

I didn’t spiral down into some kind of maudlin haze, but I walked away thinking that a lot of the newer stuff I heard was much better. And I think it turns into a metaphor for liking something for myself versus something we liked together.

The venue was fun and was a place that I had never been with him at, so it was really healing in the sense that it was truly moving on.

We all think we’re moving on, but we don’t. We are mired in our existence in the past as well as having that existence direct the future to some extent. It doesn’t take much to pop back and process things that have been processed a hundred times, because of a certain circumstance.

Although, today I was able to redirect energy in a productive way and that made things feel better for me. It is good to feel productive even in a small manner. One of the biggest hurdles that I’ve had to overcome and all of this the ability to remain focused on the task at hand. I understand that that is a common problem with folks but I have a particular disadvantage in this. This brings me to One of my biggest fears maybe

The biggest thing that I have feared since the strokes and other changes in my life that I would lose my independence in terms I’m taking care of myself. Do I still need assistance for lots of things? Yes, I do. I don’t feel as much in danger as I have but it is going to require some vigilance on my part to do the things that are going to make me successful and remain independent.

So this speaks to something that had me perplexed as someone in their late twenties early 30s when I first started dealing with it in my nursing practice. My first role out of school was to work on a orthopedic unit. On this unit we had a number of older patients that had fractures of their hips and failure with their other joints as well. Many of these people were very nervous about the fact when they left our facility they were going to a skilled nursing facility or better known as a nursing home. Many of these patients were very fearful of the concept of going because many of them were afraid that they would spend the rest of their life there. I have been to nursing homes and they are not the bucket list item for most people.

What I couldn’t wrap my head around is the concept that these folks thought they were never leave. Being younger you can understand that people go to the hospital and they go to physical rehab and then back to a relatively normal existence. The problem with growing older is that it’s a lot longer period to retain even a somewhat level of normal function. At a certain point things start pointing towards weather a person would be safe at home or not. When this happens many times when faced with that information instead of accepting it they spend a great deal of time trying to sell someone on the fact that they’re capable of living independently.

For someone who’s lived their life independently this change is not welcomed. The thought of having someone make decisions for you in your day-to-day activities is nothing short of frightening.

Changes in independent living does not mean a relationship status. Most times relationships do not negate the ability of a person to be independent. Should a relationship end it automatically does not mean that the other person is incapable of living on their own. When I talk about failing to live independently it is the inability of that person to perform what the medical profession calls activities of daily living. These are the very basic things taking showers, taking meds, feeding oneself, and other basic skills. There is also an emphasis on being able to do more independent tasks such as shopping for groceries, being able to do your finances, cleaning house (which means capable not always any to).

Now Don’t get me wrong there are many people that are “independent” but they’re reliant on outside help and can rapidly decompensate without a consistent help. So they are functional to a point. There are many people that live on that bubble that may need to live less independently, but they manage with a lot of help. The tendency is to let someone try to be as independent as they can until they prove they can’t. Usually this is a spectacular fail.

As someone who had recently found themselves on their own, and relatively happy to be that way, the thought of having someone making decisions for me was not something I wanted to do. So I did a pretty good job initially of painting my life in terms of my “good days.”

I realize that that was my attempt to avoid having my independence taken away and involuntarily. I also realize that did not facilitate the level of care that I should have had to work towards a point where there wouldn’t be a fear of losing that independence.

In that time I remembered the struggles with my mom’s last couple years before she passed in that she continued to paint a rosy picture even when the evidence was showing that she was declining. I think it all plays to realizing that you have to be able to identify your limitations while working on things to improve them your ability to make progress will increase your ability to remain independent.

Either way my dog and my mom will stay by me, Independent or not.