Can We Talk?

I know I’ve used the line before, but I always liked the Joan Rivers question:

Can we talk?

So—can we talk about sexual assault?

What’s been most disturbing to me in the aftermath of the Epstein file disclosures isn’t just who people are rushing to accuse—it’s who is being ignored. We seem far more interested in pointing fingers than in asking what justice, care, or even basic acknowledgment looks like for survivors.

Yes—if you sexually assaulted someone and there is evidence, you should be held accountable. Full stop.

But what I am not hearing is any meaningful conversation about the people who were harmed—people who are now once again left waiting to see whether any real justice will come from the piles of documents detailing what was done to them.

As many of you know—and for those who don’t—I am a sexual assault survivor.

Both as a child.

And later, in the military.

I’ve written at length in the past about military sexual assault. Before I go there, I need to talk about the first time.

The Part People Don’t Like to Hear

Like many boys growing up in the 1970s and ’80s, I joined the Boy Scouts. I liked it. I had friends. I loved the outdoors. Eventually, my troop traveled to Philmont Scout Ranch—what was called a “high adventure base.”

Early in that trip, I took a bad fall and injured my right knee. I couldn’t continue hiking and was sent down to a base camp for injured scouts. That’s where the chaplain came in—checking on us, talking with us, appearing helpful.

I woke up one night to him touching me. Fondling me. Performing sexual acts on me.

I’m not going to be graphic. I don’t owe anyone details for their curiosity. What matters is this:

An adult sexually assaulted a child who could not consent.

It wasn’t reported. Who would have listened?

And later we learned what many already suspected—the scouts had a long history of covering this up. There was a list of adults associated with the organization who were found guilty of sexual crimes against minors.

Yes. I looked.

And yes—his name was on it.

Why the Epstein Conversation Feels So Wrong

So let’s talk about the Epstein files.

When names appear on that list, there’s a very real possibility that minors were assaulted by those individuals. But instead of centering survivors, we’ve turned this into spectacle—debate, deflection, partisan sniping.

Survivors are once again sidelined.

Until you’ve been sexually assaulted, you don’t understand what it’s like to move through your day hyper-aware of everyone around you. To wake up screaming from memories you didn’t invite. To be ambushed by a smell or a sound that drags you straight back into the moment you were violated.

You never really “leave” it.

No matter how much time passes.

I’ve met hundreds of survivors. Not one of us has ever said, “Cool. That’s done. I’m fine now.”

But I’d bet money that the people who committed these assaults don’t live with that same aftermath. And I’d wager that most are only sorry they were caught.

Call It What It Is

Let’s stop softening the language.

Sexual assault is rape.

Child molestation is child rape.

Rape is not about desire. It is about power, control, and humiliation.

Someone once wrote that a victim could have been wearing a burlap sack and the outcome would have been the same—and they were right. Clothing doesn’t cause rape. Attraction doesn’t cause rape.

Rapists rape because they can.

The Military Is Not Immune

The military has a long, ugly problem with sexual assault.

I am a military sexual assault survivor.

My rape occurred because my platoon sergeant had a problem with me. He enlisted another person to rape me—while he stood guard. That’s what leadership looked like in that moment.

And even now, as we pretend things are improving, we see high-level officials exposed as serial sexual harassers. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And when that behavior is tolerated at the top, it poisons everything beneath it.

Many commanders I’ve known enforce zero tolerance. But institutionally, prevention has slipped. Accountability is inconsistent. Survivors are still expected to endure quietly.

This Is What Trauma Looks Like

I once watched a close friend—a fellow survivor—freeze in the middle of Costco. He smelled Irish Spring soap and fled the store.

That was the soap he was using in the shower when five other soldiers raped him.

That’s what trauma looks like.

Every survivor’s story is horrific. No one should ever endure this. And yet, again and again, nothing meaningful is done to stop it.

What Actually Matters

Yes—anyone named in the Epstein files who committed these acts should be held accountable.

But accountability without care is hollow.

If we truly care about justice, then we must care for survivors—not just weaponize their pain for outrage cycles.

I love my dog because he’s my service dog—and he helps me navigate this world.

I loved my mother because she gave me tools to survive it.

I still miss her.

And I probably always will.

But I’m still here.

And I’m still talking.

 

This post is part of the Notes From the Wasteland series.